first missing my period. then crying at the clinic... but why?
we had sex 3 months ago. you missed your period 2 weeks ago. but nice try.
Sometimes when I whip my dick out it looks REAL impressive. This, was NOT one of those times.
Just try to make good decisions...remember our convo we had about morals the other day?
Turn them off?
i've been fucking this guy since february and just found out he might be uncircumsized. currently google image searching to confirm.
I want to give my boyfriend great head for his birthday...can i practice on you?
Went to the career fair today..I handed out many resumes to find out later that they say I have a bachelor o farts degree...Top that.
I guess I tried to spit on a homeless man on the walk home...Out. Of.Hand.
And he was super vague about his life, it was frustrating. I totally boned a homeless guy, didn't I?
ever have one of those nights where you feel like you should leave the house with your insurance card? that is tonight, my friend.
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
I swear she hasnt shaved since the last time we hooked up 5 months ago
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
It's funny that when I fall down as an adult I'm so much happier no one saw than that I'm not seriously hurt.
I just need to find a good handlebar mustache to sit on until I'm over that beard
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
Randomize
