I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
just heard 2 nerds making fun of a girl for mispronouncing stochiometry. they followed it up by discussing the mathematical equation for getting laid. my day just became 100x better.
Calling yourself a modern day Geisha doesn't justify being a whore.
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
I hate that he uses me for something other than sex. What does he think I am? His girlfriend? Ha.
She is high at the bar - she thinks the bottle of frangelico is aunt jemima telling her to stop doing drugs.
I will no longer accept being cock blocked in my own bed.
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
And as cleavage season comes to a close, so blooms a new season of yoga pants. And the people rejoiced.
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
everything in the house taste like gin even the water, friday nite was a success
This love triangle bullshit is getting out of hand. It's now a love polygon and I want out
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
Stacy was in the bathroom puking, so he peed out the window. We were eight stories up.
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