You know you want to come over later
1:27a: Um no
1:45a: Maybe
2:05a: Probably
2:38a: I'm outside, let me in
Ambien does the same to me. One time that I took it, I got this huge bowl of spaghetti out of the fridge and thought it was a castle and that the meatballs were little slaves. I ate all of them first and then the noodles were the soldiers and the sauce was the water in the moat. And when I finished, I fell up the stairs and threw it all up.
were doing shots for every snowflake that hits the ground
I thought that since they were twins... they would be equally as good in bed
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
apparently I kept yelling at her that I wanted t-Rex sized lines. awesome
Two hours into move in day and the ambulance is here already.
drunkie insisted on stuffing the rest of his scrambled eggs in his pockets before we left ihop. we really should have left a better tip
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
The heart of my unhappiness in my job is that it's not a place where coworkers and I can draw dicks on everything to amuse each other
He rolled up to the party in an ice cream truck. He was definitely my first priority
Sushi was just eaten off my naked body. I feel like I can die in peace now.
I just walked through the door and she ran up to me, hugged me, unzipped my pants and immediately started sucking my dick. Good day.
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
Randomize
