Nah got too drunk to function...probably could have dragged something home over my shoulder if the cops didn't roll
If facebook stalking was a job I would totally pown it
Who do you think planted the wheat? Who do you think cleared the land and killed off the native inhabitants? Women?
So he sent me a text that said "say hi to your vajayjay for me"
Was there any message he wanted you to relay to your asshole?
Explain to me how it was that you spent the entire night playing pool with three lesbians and did not get a foursome out of it.
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
I've smoked enough weed to put down a pony.
NEW INFORMATION meech found me passed out on a bench outside.
I never thought I'd say this, but I think I just saw the hottest pregnant chick alive.
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
That pizza at 1 am literally tasted like I was eating an angel
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
I got my period today and I cried tears of joy. And then just cried because my cramps are actually killing me from the inside out.
I didn't even get crazy off of the coke so everything's fine. Also, I think I might have killed my aunt's dog..
Yo i still have 5 hrs left of work. I should not be this drunk
Randomize
