If it has a penis then it will be stupid. Just how it works.
and that's when the elephants and penises started dancing on the ceiling
Sad news: I might have to institute a "once-per-day" policy on getting trashed downtown. Sorry, reputation.
I just took a shower and I feel like 20 pounds of sex just came off of me.
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
There's jack Daniels coming out of my eyes instead of tears.
Can't we have real sex instead of you just thrusting the air near me?
No. 70% of the female population would find them attractive. The other 30% are lesbian and even they would appreciate them for their strong bodies and athletic capabilities.
so it turns out the huge bruises on my knees are from drunk bmxing and not getting railed from behind on the ground
and ill have you know that I only wiped out twice
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
Not sure what time I'll be home. I'm currently topless and the damn stripper won't give me my clothes back
Every time you mention the threesome around him I will high five you. Do what you will with this information.
Just got thrown out of the club for making condom water balloons. I'm not ashamed.
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
Randomize
