Even if you were sober, spitters are STILL quitters, end of story.
i just wasnt prepared to have the baby of one of two french firemen. threesomes are too confusing.
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
You were so drunk you decided to go out of the car window instead of using the door, once you realized what you had just done you said fuck it and went back in through the window
I GOT MY PERIOD THIS IS A GLORIOUS DAY I AM TOTALLY GOING TO MAKE PIES TO CELEBRATE THAT THERE ARE NO REPUBLICANS IN MY UTERUS!
I ran into a hotel and told the doorman he was doing a great job. That was before you cried on my jacket.
I had a dream last night you were Aladdin. I think due to me watching 6 hours of Disney movies and the fact you told me you were wearing a vest.
Dreams are coming true for both of us.
Came back with a random sweatshirt, an American flag, and a for sale sign. Mission success?
I need more social interactions that don't involve sex
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
This whole pope visit thing is ruining me having sex.
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
she wouldnt leave because they were playing One Direction. I'm dating a thirteen year old.
Randomize
