so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
I'm afraid my bank account can't handle syllabus week.
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
we're ranked number 5 for having the most pot in the country for a university school. idk if i should feel worried or just plain blessed.
Wondering when "babysitting" formed into "sleeping on the couch for five hours nursing a hangover and giving the kids Nyquil."
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
i would have thought, that you two being my best friends, one of you would have atleast tried to catch me before i hit the ground after blacking out.
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
Never play truth or dare with a girl who carries a dildo in her purse. I'll never go to a Denny's again.
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
Don't forget to make sex 3rd on your calander
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
IF THE SUNS NOT EVEN OUT THEN WHY IS HIS DICK OUT WTF
I am still worried she'll have a seizure durring. What would I do? Try to ride it out and finish, or pull out and assist?
Randomize
