who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
Those former-lesbian gone white-trash bars always seem to be your favorite.
That fucking fat Asian kid that NOBODY invited is stuck in the dryer again
he said he would handcuff me to his penis. thats not even possible. i want to go home.
hiding in a bush to avoid a seven dollar cab ride. cabby got out a flashlight and looked for us for like an hour. help.
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
Saw you fall down on Jefferson and a cop drove by and shook his head. How you didnt get arrested after the party you went to on saturday is beyond me.
Everybody in the immediate area is hooking up like it's doomsday
WHY AM I NOT THERE?
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
so I found out I could dislocate my shoulders on demand while I was trippin on e last night...
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
You took the receipt and ate it. You then took it out and gave it to the waitress with slobber and holes all over it.
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
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