So my roomate was sunbathing this morning on the porch with a sock covering his penis
Sounds like a really classy character....
He is classy. It was argyle.
I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
Let's just be mature adults about last night and never speak of it again.
god is playing jersey shore on new years on purpose. he wants me to play drinking games and die. i wish he knew how serious this is.
First night in the new apartment. There are 12 people here i don't know, Tequila, and a crying girl locked in our bathroom. I think the apartment christening is complete.
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
I need to stop smoking. I just talked to corn.
I peed on his girlfriend's loofah during our post-sex shower.
I would come over if there was not the impending fear of me shitting out my brains.
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
WHAT IS MY LIFE THAT THE ONLY PERSON INTERESTED IN FUCKING ME IS MY 6TH GRADE MATH TEACHER
I just formed the "shit on a tree in Chicago club." And I feel awful about it.
He told me that losing me was the biggest mistake of his life. Of course it was. My tits are incredible and I know more about college football than he does.
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