Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
So Delta doesn't take cash. I used my card to buy a drink and asked the attendant if she could leave it open.
he started fingering my stomach rolls instead of my vag... am i really that fat?
I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
There are sesame seeds in my vagina. This cannot be explained with logic.
So I drew a giant robot attacking a city on the chem test. My TA colored in the fire on the burning building
I was in the freezer we were knocking over shit. Speaking of which i asked my boss. I can hook up with girls in the freezer
Yeah just sayin. Whenever you want to come over and wank me off you can
i just remember doing it on a pile of clothes while i heard the muffled sound of his friend laughing. then i realized we were in a closet.
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
I don't think I will ever be as happy about anything as this man next to me on the bus eating Taco Bell.
Did I really just send a work email with cum instead of come? feck me
Can I fire a pigeon out of a t shirt gun?
Nothing to be ashamed of. I bet Oprah has sharted.
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
Never again will I go to my mom's side of the family's parties. After the bride and groom cut the head off the roasted pig together they boarded their RV and rode off into the sunset.
Randomize
