The last shot i remember taking was toasted to "love, sex, and magic". Needless to say I was 0 for 3 on that toast for the night.
We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
You just kept saying "I want my babies to look like you."
I cant talk about it right now or let you guess, but its something you and i would do. Kinda like that time we had the case of beer and went bowling
You hooked up with minors in a golf cart?
and then she judged me for using my bra as a potholder. hard times my friend, welcome to college.
Turned on my GPS and all that it said in the search bar was "beer,"
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
My legs r really sober for running now
I don't think that's how sobriety works.
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
Fuck me this girl I went home with has a cover on her remote control so there is no spills to ruin it. Imagine how many condoms she's going to make me wear
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
Cant get off the floor. Need more beer. Send help.
Oh god theyre drunkenly throwing knifes now, definitely the best movie I've worked on
Just saw the pics from the bachelor party. When the hell did we go to southie. And why was there a chicken in the limo..? You guys really are my best friends.
Randomize
