Pregnant stripper...not hot.
At a strip club after monster truck rally. You should be here
I'm home alone watching The Hills seasons, eating pickles and drinking straight rye. I just googled "how to make friends". Probably not the most pro-active solution. Help.
Its a long story, but I have superglue on my tongue
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
He just did a 33 second keg stand with a fractured leg, busted chin and chipped teeth from running into a parked car after winning a race.
If we went to a costume party as Batman and Robin I would go as Robin, that's how much you mean to me
Taking advantage of alcohol's depressant capabilities to curtail my fever. SCIENCE!
There are more dirty dishes in my bed then in the kitchen. Have I lost at life?
Woke up behind one of the fraternity brothers houses in the grass wearing a guinness hat and aviators hugging a 30 rack box with a zonie on my chest next to a campfire.
No I need this job. I actually contemplated buying a vibrator with my dad's credit card the other night.
I'm spending tomorrow doing taxes and making jello shots. Is this adulthood?
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
:(. i have vodka in a fire extinguisher. that solves all problems. except fires. it would actually make that worse.
Please tell me im imagining that i claimed that i was king of the ducks.
Randomize
