I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
good. and stop kissing my girl you dirty slut.
i don't think she's still your girl..plus, she kept screaming "kiss me! i'm a lesbian!" last night so i think you're outta luck..
I cut you off after you tried to do a shot out of a neti pot, down your nose.
explains the nose bleeds.
Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
fuck. I just remembered I agreed to let you finger me last night for solely for "scientific purposes"
Don't worry about it. Anal sex isn't always sunshine and wildflowers.
I still can't believe you had sex with someone who willingly went by Peaches.
Props to the guy on crutches playing edward forty hands. Dedicated to drinking games is an understatement.
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
Currently watching high school football on ESPN. Drink every time they say 'this kid's got potential' or 'look at this kid go' or 'atta kid' We're done for..
I just realized. I havent even gotten a paycheck from this new job yet and already laid one of the girls most of the dudes are after
Hey I just woke up in the back of a pickup truck parked at taco bell... Can u come get me?
The only reason you haven't shit yourself yet is because you don't like having fun.
You did what with his pubic hair?
ok, muffins say "love me", waffles say "fuck me", got it.
Randomize
