Pretty people don't get stds, I knew it
he was in the bathroom singing "will it floooaaat?? will it floooaaat?!" turns out that's a deal breaker for me.
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
I feel the need to point out that one of the items on my to-do list for the day is "don't throw up" I have no concept of normal
I'm thinking he has to buy me dinner at least twice before i even start considering casting him for "Fuck buddy - understudy."
I have a very hazy flashback of me making out with a guy in a seashell bra??! Can you confirm or deny
you regret 100% of the tequila shots you do take. thats what gretzky meant to say
I started rolling down the window so he pulled into a gas station and i puked all over the side of the car while some dude stared at me. I waved and we drove away
Should I be concerned that the new guy I'm seeing just referred to my stealing a sailboat in college while drunk as "wholesome"?
You owe me beer. On another note, I made out with the ups guy at work today ....
this party is nice, but i have to go home and cry over anime in order to fill my daily quota of suffering
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
Hey, thanks for helping me this morning
Always a pleasure to feed you bread as your body lay crumpled on the floor.
I think the heterosexuals across the hall are negotiating about breeding. How do I figure out which one is against it and back them up?
Randomize
