Sometimes he's such a bitch I forget that he's not actually a girl. Last night I asked him if I could borrow a tampon.
He had some in his pocket. That was weird.
I woke up this morning naked, with a to-go box from Qdoba, an entire meal completely untouched. I have been piecing together my night to find some answers. I feel like Nancy Drew.
ohhh no, absolutely not. i am waaayyy too superstitious to have sex with the self-proclaimed "baby-maker" on father's day...
well what she called a "work function" most people call "doing shots with your boss while people throw napkins at you."
The only bad thing about this relationship... my forearm strength is dwindling
i really care about you, respect you, another gay word, and another gay word... lets just drink
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
We are so drunk half our team had to bowl with a chaperone. We won every game. We drink
Halfway through the night I was hiding in a trashcan. Then I "sobered" up and ran around the house throwing change because I wanted to make my last moments of 2013 charitable.
I'm on the porch day drinking and the neighbor is in his yard screaming about his amazing sandwiches, maybe we should move.
There's a Taco Bell quesadilla in my shower caddy right now.
can you take a pic of your glorious tits but not send it just yet? I need motivation to finish this bull shit presentation.
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
Randomize
