Dear __, it'd be a lot easier to fuck if you ever responded. So I'm throwing in the white towel, since I no longer know what you want. Sincerely, ___
If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
i need gas-x and some way to take back every single thing i did last night.
It doesn't matter if he doesn't speak English because I speak the international language of blowies.
She liked every single Facebook status in her newsfeed and then made her status 'I LIKE U GUYS'
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
When he came downstairs he looked at me like I was attempting to rob his house.
Did you reintroduce yourself?
He threatened to call the cops.
Some guy just ate one of the dog treats. I have him a free beer. I love my job.
Random question: Have you ever woken up and were suprised to not have a penis?
I mean, you got a giant dick. I've seen lawn gnomes that are smaller.
After sex he just told me I'm definitely pregnant and it's a girl. Should I run?
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
i feel like a cleansing fire is the only way to purify the house
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
Randomize