Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
I Just realized that having a picture folder that says "not for mom" may give off the wrong impression to wondering eyes
maybe we can find two twins tonight and bang them together and then my life is complete
one of the cashiers from Kroger is eating at my kitchen table and nobody knows why.
Blonde 1 is sitting on the floor crying and blonde 2 is asleep with her face in the toilet. This isn't what I had in mind when they asked me back
It was a sobriety test blowjob. If he could get it up, he could get me home.
While I faked being asleep, he literally prayed to God out loud, asking for forgiveness for losing his virginity before marriage.
Do you think he feels stupid trying to bang girls with his small penis? I'd be embarrassed.
I think I may have some undocumented and undiscovered std that causes girls to go bat shit crazy. How you got it is beyond me
I decided I was tough enough to wax my bikini area myself. Long story short, I'll be drunk when you get home
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
You have mono. It's like being pregnant, your are excused from normal social niceties like responding to people.
Update - might be back in your neighbor's good graces. She liked the framed photo I gave her of me on the tractor with my business out.
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
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