I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
just woke up to two already rolled blunts and a full explanation of what happened last night. I love my gf
He must hate going to the bathroom. Every time he does he is reminded how small his dick is.
I lost control in the snow and hit a parked car. I went into our building to get a pen and paper to leave a note and when I came back the car was gone and there was a hot girl there. I used the pen and paper to get her number.
I don't know what you told him but please make him stop telling me about his new video camera and winking
I had such a pleasant walk of shame. The sun was shining, I smiled at all the high school suckers who judged me on their way to school, and I made friends with an old guy and his dog.
I'm wearing a real bra and real shoes. I look like a fucking lady.
I'm sitting on our balcony drunk. And in my underwear. Our relationship with our neighbors may improve.
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
she just nodded and said "yeah, I'd fuck him for a reese's peanut butter cup". it's so nice to know I'm not the biggest whore living here
Literally sitting on my bed in the dark trying not to throw up
I volunteer to be the person who breaks into the room and runs around naked and has to be escorted out by police.
i just found a lighter in my bra... from last night, and its 7:43pm...
Just remembered sticking my head out the window as i drove us to walmart and yelling that i was a golden retriever.
Also, sorry for verbally assaulting you when you asked if you could dump the bowl.
He jerked off some dude with a slice of Wonder Bread.
The sports guy?
Yeah. They claimed the bread made it hetero
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