Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.
needless to say, I hope she has to get an abortion again
I want to punch and suck your dick at the same time. I don't think we have the healthiest of relationships.
I'm doing lines by myself in the kitchen. I think your outside. yeah that's you. your naked.
I cannot take someone's straight and gay virginity in one threesome. It's just too much responsibility.
I miss the time when Mondays weren't the new Thursdays. I can't drink like my 17 year old self anymore.
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
You'd be amazed at how difficult it is to find pics of the helicopter dick
I am very proud of your internet skills
Please tell me that SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE, has created a drink called a 'Tequila Mockingbird'. PLEASE.
That moment during finals day when you either convince your teacher to let you out of the room or you shit you pants.
He stumbled out of the bathroom with his pants around his ankles yelling "tie my shooes!"
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
YOUR STATE IS STUPID
Did you miss a turn again?
WHAT FUCKING IDIOT DECIDED TO DESIGN AN ENTIRE FUCKING STATE WHERE YOU CAN'T MAKE A FUCKING LEFT TURN?!? FUCK NEW JERSEY
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