literally had 100 drinks last night.
It took him longer to undo my bra than he lasted..
You broke out your mechano set and told us you were gonna "build us a beer machine" and 5 min later you were fast asleep
Before you ask, yes. Whatever you're wearing IS too slutty for his mom's funeral.
Fixing to yell "you're too hot for her" at a Gerard butler look alike. There is absolutely no way this is going to end well...
This taco party has no tacos, just a hot asian guy in booty shorts. We were lied to.
He's a prodigy! It would be a service to the scientific community.
15 is 15
Because the guy guy doing the drawing either wanted to bone, or wanted us to stop entering the contest. Either way, we got concert tickets so I'm cool with both scenarios.
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
So... I woke up on a bench with a honey bun on my chest.
What's protocol when the 18 year old son of an anti-gay preacher sends you a message on Grindr during church?
I CALLED IT A FRIENDSHIP. NOT A I WANT YOUR MAN PARTS IN MY LADY PARTS-SHIP.
He called me Kitten either just because or he figured out my old s&m life. Either way huge turn on.
I'm in the woods tripping balls the water is rising why don't you answer me
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
Randomize
