"romantic friends" sounds more classy then friends with benfits
He was sitting on the bathroom floor, swirling his finger in the toilet singing the Laguna Beach theme song. I don't know whether to laugh or help him.
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
Whiskey and I have a long and stories tradition of excellence
They are stoned and trying to learn sign language together. It's like watching a chimp waving at itself in a mirror.
The entire state will know me by my boobs.
She's like the Jonah Hill of sorority sisters.
I just found your ripped underwear on my chandelier. Care to explain?
Apparently I told him he would be good for human sacrifice.
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
On a scale of 0 to Thanksgiving, there is no amount of food that fights against tequila.
Well I'm back. Could you fill me in on what I missed?
You don't want to know. Trust me.
You poured 151 in your eye, ran face first into a tree, fell down, then threw a lawn chair at the dog...all before passing out in the hallway and pissing yourself. There is no way to redeem yourself.
I had to join a gym to keep up with this 22 yr old
Look fucker, my sensibility and attention to detail is the ONLY REASON you're not dead now
Randomize
