Bigbird is at the bar Im at. whats her name
I lost of the blow last night. Found it later in my bag labeled Fairy Dust.
I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
She touched you, you're now contaminated for 48 hours. Please watch out for rashes, hives and STDs as she's known to have all three.
Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
Starting drinking whiskey at eight. Already had ten girls looking up my kilt to make sure I'm wearing it right.
I AM SUCH A BETTER PERSON ON DRUGS
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
He put himself in the friend zone by calling me dude all night so I blew his friend. Judge me.
Did he seem like the type of guy that would maybe take weed as payment?
I'm not sure if I should be proud of you for having morals or disappointed in you for letting your sex life get this sad.
i woke up to you and that girl going out onto the balcony naked
oh sorry man.. we went outside because we DIDN'T want to wake you
not a day goes by that I don't wish you were here or I there. Today it was because I had the desire to get high and go look at the jellyfish at the aquarium and you're the perfect buddy for that.
I need to stop agreeing to hang out with people when I'm drunk.
If you get me a sex toy for Christmas everyone in my family will question our relationship.
Randomize
