The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
The only thing i was looking forward to on 4th of july was the google logo and they let me down. That and beer, lots and lots of beer
i think you ate grass..but you refused to open your mouth so we could see..
I can't do a walk of shame with a sombrero full of baby chickens
PS August 29 of last year was when you ran over my foot. Facebook just reminded me.
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
He never broke character while fucking me on the neighbor's lawn. I give him a 10 for his dedication to the British accent.
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
Everybody needs breakup sex. You just happened to get yours from a dude who hasn't reached the point of breakup yet. No biggie.
Dude. I don't even want cuddles. I just want an acknowledgement that I just had balls in my mouth.
You can't honestly expect me to maintain an erection when you have the Glen Beck show on
Eating pizza in the bath tub while watching a romantic comedy alone. I reached a new level of single.
I am dancing alone in my bathroom because I was paranoid the neighbors were watching through the windows
Randomize
