so apparently mom and dad slept together on the first date
i guess it runs in the family.
I've crashed the car, it's a write off. The police are here and I'm dressesd as a crayon.
I can hear her moaning. I'm on some random guy's counter. He wanted me to cuddle but I said I didn't know how.
Wow way to turn my death into an oppurtunity to get laid
I have a scary feeling my mom might switch her goals from finding me a husband in 2012 to sending me to rehab
I'm eating the rest of the Xmas shrooms and welcoming 2012 by communing with the pine cone.
Dude you ate toast sprawled out on my kitchen floor and said "this is comfy". No more day drinking.
Drinking games this Saturday as usual although the ice cube tray game is banned due to last weeks incident
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
If he cant deal with my insomnia and sex drive I really feel sorry for his child and ex fiance. Adulthood breakups are depressing.
Nothing says hey I wanna be your friend again like ambushing me with a dick pic
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
I can always count on you to keep my boobs honest
ALL I WANT IN MY MOUTH IS A GLORIOUS COCK SMOTHERED IN CHOCOLATE. DICK AND CHOCOLATE; IS IT TOO MUCH FOR A GIRL TO ASK FOR?!
We blew shit up to. With a cannon.
Randomize
