He just asked me to come into his empty apartment after he called his parents to make sure they wouldn't come home while I was there. This is starting to look like a bad rape scene from one of those made-for-TV Lifetime movies.
don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
No it wasn't her, this girl had both hands.
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
You know what sound is wonderful for a hangover? Listening to the horns from the South Africans at the world cup
I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.
you fucked my boyfriend. margarita girls night will not fix this.
You have like just as much sex as me and I have a brand new bf. That does not add up. That is not right.
I will blow you tomorrow if you bring me food tonight. Like a payment plan
I sent dad a photo of my graduation certificate from drug therapy class. It was his birthday so it seemed appropriate.
Henceforth: booty calls will now be referred to as "deliveries of anatomy". That is all.
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
I woke up at like 4 am with an old Korean woman cuddling me. I assure you she was not there when I went to sleep.
This Christmas I would like to thank Jesus for cocaine.
i feel like the girl with kaleidoscope eyes except the kaleidoscopes are sparkly butt plugs
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