i can tell by the sound of your bed that he isnt that good at sex.
Pretty sure that Albanian broad gave me something last night. Now we play the waiting game.
Were making a bet for which twin will relapse while in rehab. I'm going for the chubbier one
Rode my bike to work still drunk. Almost threw up on a camper while getting him out of his parents car.
You're a waste of cheezeits
Prop 8 repealed and I FINALLY got my period. Good day for America!!!
it's not like I want to die, I just want life to stop for a little bit. how does that work?
I TOOK A FINGER IN THE BUTT YOU CAN OPEN THIS MESSAGE
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
Woke up to your boyfriend in my bed last night. What's that about?
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
Waking up drunk is great, waking up drunk and hanging with your mom is even better.
Between his smile and monumental dick even the virgin mary woulda blown that man and I am far from the virgin. I didn't stand a chance.
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
Randomize