I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
ok perfect im about to bedazzle our mini keg named hans. he is ready to rage
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
Just so you know, if you are not feeling well today it's cause you drank a gatorade bottle full of highlighter fluid.
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
Wouldn't it be fantastic if the corporate world cared less about about our GPA and focused more on our mastery of social drunkenness?
I'm pretty sure I swallowed a whole condom
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
Is it socially acceptable to stop at the strip club for the lunch buffet on my way to the airport?
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
REWARD BLOWJOB!! STAY RIGHT WHERE YOU ARE I'LL BE THERE IN FIVE MINUTES.
I am going to MURDER whoever gave him my phone number but it was probably drunk me so I'm conflicted.
Hold on gotta plunge the sink
Is that a euphemism for sex? Either way, have a good time
So what happened at girls night? My roomate found me passed out locked out on the front steps of the house and it was raining. Yes low moment
Found out that I went to the same elementary school as the guy I'm hooking up with. Kosher or no
Randomize
