I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
Just scheduled a cocaine deal around my drug counsler appointment. Why yes, thank you, I do enjoy the irony that is my life.
She was trying to fuck the exchange student from France. His English is really bad and the music was loud so she just pointed to a beer bottle and then her vagina.
youre just mad because i have donuts and im beautiful
Just had such a rough shit, don't stop believin had to be played
I've known you for the past two years. You never kid about biology or alcohol.
She showed up in lingerie and a turtle backpack full of bacardi. I think its love.
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
That's the last time I send a mass text invitation to smoke a blunt
We got to his house, cuddled while watching game of thrones, then fucked during the repeat airing.
My boss doesn't know what jello shots are. I've lost faith in this company.
Just FYI....you totally yelled out Royals while we were having sex last night lol.
And at the semi-adult age of 25 I have shit my pants. Not even drunk, just really late to work. Is this real life?
Dude just walked up to me, gave me his number and said, if this number ever calls its my penis,better keep that one handy. I cant lie its the best pick up line ever, im calling his penis.
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
Randomize