youre lurking in front of me
Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
If you weren't supposed to have sex with your ex then they wouldn't rhyme.
Could you please tell them to stop whispering "thundercunt" every time I walk in the room?
Is today national text-a-girl-whose-had-your-dick-in-her-mouth day and I just wasn't aware?? I am getting the most random "just saying hey" texts ever and that's the only common denominator.
I just got a huge discount at GameStop for having tits. I win.
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
I fucking love my neighbors. I offered him chocolate and somehow it turned into a sexual proposition.
Passing out drunk in my therapists lobby may not be the best way to confirm my "stability"
I also just stashed a half dozen bobby pins in my bra.... So when you take it off later, consider yourself warned
I supernannyed him into submission
He got me to hold his phone, wallet, keys and pants while he hooked up with another girl.
lets face it, we have a liquor cabinet with a designated chocolate shelf
I WILL KICK YOU IN THE FUCKING THROAT IF YOU EAT MY FUCKING ICE CREAM.
Randomize
