Annihilated within 20 minutes of arriving on Saturday, proceeded to hook up with him half a dozen times/almost have sex in the shed. Later on I text his boyfriend letting him know he's okay and that he's asleep next to me. If I could parlay this skill into a vital component of national security I'd be the Jack Bauer of homewrecking. Diner later?
Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
wrong asian. never thought that would happen.
my mom and grandma just had a splits competition. slut runs in the family
Do you think the guy at the front desk was watching us last night? Although we were in a public pool, therefore our tits were free game.
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
I stuck my fake eyelashes to his balls after he passed out.
He'd pee in it. And since it's PBR I'd have no idea
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
I do not mind being torn from the first touches of sleep to see a man who looks like that
We just fucked like crazy and now I'm dipping chips in macaroni & cheese. I feel completely accomplished. This may be the best day ever.
You were more fun when you didn't have morals.
Idk I think he's weird but he's also from Wisconsin so that might have something to do with it.
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
Randomize
