I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
I've broken several federal laws in the name of sex.
I cannot believe we're comparing my vagina to Mary Poppins and a black hole.
so I'm coping with getting the "I'm not over my ex" bomb dropped on me by getting drunk and yelling at people while wearing a purple princess hat
Who the fuck was that guy he kept pulling his dick out walking up to people trying to hand it to people and saying go ahead open the door like it was a door knob
Maybe I'm just didn't notice and imagined a different penis as a Freudian coping mechanism?
you were like "guys ... i think i got fingered while dancing tonight"
our poor poor cab driver
The party got hot, we all started raging, took off some clothes, someone threw me in the shower and we all kept raging. Nude Rager, I was there at the point of conception.
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
He kicked in the door just as I climbed on top of him...and stood there. I felt like I was in a porn. It was invigorating.
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
I'll pay you back with progressively deviant sexual favors.
They filled a kiddie pool with lube and glitter.
They need to eat meat, go down on me the first time, every time, and know how to pull my hair. And there's a height requirement for this ride
He said it only counts if it ends up on the internet
Randomize
