Pish posh, there's never a bad time to eat food off my body.
got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
ask if his dick looks like a sausage. alex's bro told me that's a sure sign. btw took pain pills. maybe shouldn't listen to me.
Welcome to my life. currently drinking beer through two straws. easier/faster that way.
You "were" hungover, which is past tense. So that gives you no excuse not to go out tonight.
we can fight about whose fault it is later....naked.
Im rolling face in a pizzeria. I want to be with people who love me.
Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck
Cookies and nudity, all you need in life
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
One day when i undoubtedly need an intervention please let it include lightsabers.
I think I can handle that.
She told me the next morning I stared at her tits for like 15 minutes with binoculars from only a few seats away.
Naptime over. I've got fresh contacts and tequila. RAAAAAAGE!
What better than a girl who loves jager, sexts like a champ and is down for t-bell at any hours of the night? oh wait, NOTHING.
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
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