Bonnaroo quote of the day: "why the fuck am i pregnant?!?!" - exclaimed loudly by random hippie.
Four minutes until I can fart!
you were asking all the dicks on chatroulette if they had daddy issues
Apparently it's ok to apply for building permits drunk. I feel like there definitely is a law preventing that.
TO ALL WHO WERE IN MY HOUSE LAST NIGHT: WHOEVER STOLE MY BONG AND PUT IT ON THE ROOF WILL BE PAYING MY HOSPITAL BILL FROM LAST NIGHT.. AND BUYING ME A NEW, SWEETER BONG.
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
I'm happy in my shell. My shell which consists of keeping guys in the friend zone and me masturbating...
When that bartender tried to tell us he sang like Sade, I knew it was time to go
Let's go get coffee and handcuffs.
I have never lost more friends than while playing Uno drunk.
I am rewearing my dress from last night. I only wore it for like two hours before fucking. And I took it off first so no cock contact. This is my new standard of cleanliness.
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
He has no idea he’s my boyfriend.
Randomize
