my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
WHY are the edges of my bra charred???
Chalk up having sex in a car wash.
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
You sprayed lysol all over me. You said that my soberness was infecting your night.
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
I'm honestly considering asking her if I can eat her out, as a friend.
My brother is chasing tequila with vodka. Not sure how it will turn out, but I like his style.
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
She has no problem going ass to mouth, but won't eat the pizza crust. I don't get it.
I told him I was on my period but he says "I'm a doctor, you think I can't handle blood?" And just went for it. Jackpot
Idk I think he's weird but he's also from Wisconsin so that might have something to do with it.
how goes living off caffiene and alcohol?
i may have recently shit my pants. on two separate occasions.
I was just in the bathroom and some guy yelled all hail the king... i cant go anywhere without getting recognized anymore.
Randomize
