my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
You know you're wathing too much reality TV when you start adding commentary to every day life.
hahhahahha. mid doggie-style, i faked an asthma attack. the sex was that bad
Ok a condom literally fell out of my underwear this morning, i have never been so confused.
dude all you wanted to do was sleep under a bridge
My right boob is officially about a handful while my left is 1 and 3/4 handfuls. I'm staring at the mirror falling into a deep depression.
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
Guess who was PASSED OUT ON A BMW. I shit you not
Stop it right now
This time face forward
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
Puking in the Ritz Carlton bathroom was actually kind of a nice experience
I know I say this every year but 2015 will be the year I finally have sex with David's sister
well i maturbated this morning, which means the best part of my day has already happened.
She was gone when I unblacked out, but she had nailed her panties to the wall and wrote “Colleen’s Dick”with a sharpie on the wall. No idea where she got a hammer and nail
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