If my body was a temple, I pissed all over the front stairs last night..
Well, shes famous, an alcoholic, hillarious, and has big boobs.... Pretty much my only aspirations in life.
you started puking right when a nickelback song came on..it was epic
Is there any way to un-invite somebody to a wedding? I just checked out the other family, and I can't have a cockblock there.
He's warming up to shark week, by only eating fish and drinking vodka, and all the time he keeps yelling "death to the seals!"
You tried to get the stranger on the sea bus to give you a bite of his chicken sub by repeating over and over "im in a girl band"
The more I stare at her and block out what she's actually saying with thoughts of what she could be saying, the more interested I become
I apparently insisted on hugging all the bushes and apologizing for pollution on the way home.
TONGUES ARE JUST MEAT TENTACLES IN OUR MOUTHS OMG
HOW ABOUT I DON'T WAKE UP TO THESE TYPES OF TEXTS
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
My boyfriend's brother just got out of jail and he is already telling us to steal cable. Dude.
I had a sex with someone last night and I was so drunk. i told him to tell me his whole name so I can say it back to him in a "sexy" way.... Because I forgot it
I'm still here... I feel so bad wearing your mom's cardigan at a strip club 🙈
You're incredible, and I'm drunk
Now, I know I say this a lot, but you've obviously never seen my penis.
Randomize
