Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
I have an asthmatic alcoholic for a roommate. That can't be safe.
He was probably pissed, but i couldn't tell for sure. How pissed can someone really look while holding a fishbowl mimosa?
i think there mostly mad about the fact it was 6 pm not the fact i blew a .255
According to the bell hop, we stumbled in about 4 and then cannon balled into the pool.
Just found some confetti on my nipple if that's any indicator of how the night went
In the last six hours i have procured a free sandwich, watched three movies, and came to orgasm. If that isn't productivity then i don't know what is.
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
You ran out of his house yelling "I got the goods!" Then you pulled toilet paper rolls out from under your shirt.
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
Be there in 20. Want icecream?
sex. I want sex. I like where your heads at though.
And a hot pocket after we fucked. Heaven.
The people around me on the bus dont know im wearing glowsticks under my clothes. I feel like a super hero.
No but seriously. Just had a guy lean over and sniff my head like it was a freshly baked pie
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