I hope you have a really shitty weekend. I love you.
I'm sitting in class drinking a forty out of a paper bag. No ones said anything yet. I think my professor is trying to ignore me. Better start yelling louder.
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
You said that you were drinking out of a pan, and then went on to apologise to 'Jesus and all the other guys' for drinking on a Sunday.
I have mastered the 3 minute room cleaning drill in preparation for the nights possible slam-piece
Its not like i paid for sex. She was stuck there, we simply exchanged rides.
There is no try. Just do it. Yoda said that. Or Nike. I can't remember. whiskey
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
arnt you supposed to become a mature adult when you move out of your parents house?
Moving out doesnt mean I'm mature, it means I can make pancakes and bacon at 3 in the morning and no one can judge me.
I have good news and bad news. Bad news, she's not in porn. Good news, I found porn.
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
You were laying in a hotel bed drinking beer from a straw while you demanded everyone to kiss your foot tattoo.
Maybe you should stop dating for awhile if the chicks aren't working out. Reacquaint yourself with your hand or something.
WELL THEN WHAT DAY IS IT?!?! This whole having to choose between ruining my future and ruining my liver is totally killing my vibe
Randomize
