I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
All these guys look like the American Apparel version of Jesus...
dude, your ex-bf is on match.com
details on that.
well, his profile doesn't say anything about herpes.
yeah well you didnt even puke from the alcohol. we cut you off and went to huck finn's and told you that the "irish cream" coffee creamers had baileys in it, so you shot down like eight of them and puked all over the floor. it was great. we cheered you on and everything
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
I just puked in my fish tank. Helloooooo summer.
would really like to know how the teddy bear got super glued to my testicles.
She wants to go furniture shopping for memorial day so we've gotta go portable
thermos full of jaeger bombs?
Affirmative
Someone snapchat me a pic of you topless laying on the bar with Scotty pouring a bottle of tequila down your throat. IT'S NOT EVEN ELEVEN YET.
School starts next week
He said the pain stops when I get my shit together and stop being a drugged out alcoholic mess. Could have just said no.
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
So the other day we finished having sex and he literally said "what are we going to do about your vagina?" Like, I hadn't even dismounted him yet.
Can we get pizza? This is seriously not a booty call. I just really want someone to get pizza with me.
He sent me a dick pic from a port-o-potty in Boston. If that's not love Idk what is.
I don't know if I'm having early flu symptoms, a miscarriage, or am badly hungover. Web md agrees.
Randomize
