I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
I was more concerned about the amount of mcdonalds fries on the floor around me than i was with my lack of clothes.
guess who's eating a vending machine cheese danish, has no panties on, and is still the classiest bitch at this bus stop?
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
I hate that you live in a gated community. I feel your guard judges me every time I go to your house at 3 am an leave at 5am
So your bra was hanging in the Christmas tree last night at some point I think
What I do when I'm blackout drunk is none of my business.
You should make us a hot pocket to split while I go throw up.
Just drink your champagne out of a trophy like a fuckin winner
Someone stole a lamp last night.
there is a guy with a glowstick staff outside my house
One day, I might be old and married wishing I could bang everyone... and that'll be a problem. So I feel in my heart it's something I need to do.
the fact that I've been his fuck buddy for a year, and I'm pregnant isn't bothering me. the fact that he didn't tell me about his girlfriend does.
God yes pancakes and booze sounds like the best night ever.
Randomize
