i told the bartender last night that if the palace saloon made a calendar he would be every month.
do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
u were so high that u chewed on candle wax for an hour
I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
cum and cheesecake for breakfast...don't fucking tell me pride week isn't awesome
Everything tastes like Lysol. Am I dying?
Setting up an obstacle course with ladders, hurdles, and a spring board to the pool. you down for drunk races through it later?
I had to run home with my hands covering my tits this morning. How does this keep happening?
I found some video of you on my camera that's like 5 seconds long, where you announce that you should have been a dentist before taking a bong hit.
Showing up to Easter hungover, late, and covered in black an blues from pole dancing. Daughter of the year.
My dog got laid yesterday. Some lady came over with her husky to breed. He did it like a champ. I was so proud
I just gate-crahed a party and met a state senator, so I had an interesting afternoon jog.
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
He stopped mid sex to say he was sorry that he couldn't make us work.continued. Stopped again to ask if it was crazy that he loved me.
That is not what no strings attached sex is about.
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
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