if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
Just got Netflix. Dexter Marathon. Still in my PJ's. Only eaten cookie dough and drinking a 40. I have never reeked so strongly of lonely .
I just watched her pee in a trashcan, im still probably going to fuck her, what does that say about my standards
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
yea im pretty sure it has something do with my love of forearms...
your drunk ass trust falled a guy double fisting bud limes and as a result your head bounced off the patio table. So that might explain the stitches on the back of your head.
so do you, all the weight can't fall on me. I'll befriend a ball pit owner if you will befriend a drug dealer. teamwork.
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
And to top it off I think that was the first time in history that anyone has used "oh just taking care of her grandmother and doing porn" in the same sentence.
This is not the first time I've recognized my body is subconsciously trying to make pizza.
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
So learned a new trick last night.... Taking body shots from my own tits... Mom would be so proud
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