you alive?
ya, the episode of maury where people are afraid of things are on, i had to keep livin
One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
these 2 russian guys walked past me and i got freaked out because i thought call of duty got real
I fucked my boyfriend 15 minutes before my pap test. My gyno probably thinks I hate her.
Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar
You poured your drink on yourself and then said "it's not a party until I'm wet"
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
I broke my arm trying to do a hand stand in my shower to wash the hate out of my asshole.
I plan on just grabbing someone's dick if I have to. They will know what's up. Why else do you go to a bar alone on valentines day?
Thank you. Next to bondage, soft American Apparel t-shirts are the best things you've taught me about.
the girl whose rug I peed on is here
Can i have the words "she went crazy and never came back" written on my grave?
yes we're having sex but I'm texting you...so what does that tell you?
just licked the cheese off a burger. that high.
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
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