Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
I totally thought the tree was playing the guitar
it was like she was tryin to eat my face and i was defending myself with my mouth
i'm dressed up like the coppertone baby and being hit on a guy in a monk costume. the irony is not lost on me.
my fraternity brothers just had an intervention for me. i either have a problem or am just on some next-level shit, im gonna go with door number 2
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
Now accepting hypotheses about how i managed to get a bruise between my boobs....
you almost dropped the shot glass then you thought you were such a hard ass for catching it that you slammed it on the table and broke it
she did 8 shots of vodka. THROUGH A SIPPY STRAW
I have got to meet this girl.
But the drunk streaking fizzled when one of jake's friends took a piss while running with a massive erection.
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
He snorted adderall on my table. I have a feeling he's not trying to buy me flowers
i told someone my fallback plan was to be a slutty bartender and i needed the practice as i straddled them to pour a shot
Just stopped at a cross walk because the light turned red 3 streets down. I'm way too high.
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