Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
What do you wear to apply at a strip club?
I don't know what possessed you to do that, but you have to give the stripper more money before you try to check her oil or they are going to throw us out every time you do that.
I can feel the judgmental stares of Christians from around the world right now.
I still have your make up all over the inside of my thighs from the face sitting. Free tonight?
I'm sorry, the person you're trying to reach is WAYYY too high to deal with this right now.
I was afraid she wouldn't be able keep up but I woke up in a bathtub, she called me a pussy and made me pancakes.
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
Before you jump in that vagina remember there's a reason we call her Infectonator.
It also means I'm watching porn with mario earphones so i can hear. Possibly the best way to mastrabate EVER
Getting drunk at 9 am is not a super power.
AND ONCE AGAIN, MY VAGINA HAS STRUCK AGAIN. HER PLANS TO TAKE OVER MARYLAND ARE WELL ON THEIR WAY AS SHE CONTINUES TO ENGULF EVERY QUEER IN A 10 MILE RADIUS
No I don't. You owe me sex and cinnamon rolls.
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
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