i have to start hiding my credit card when i drink i woke up this morning with 4 emails from Farmville telling me i spent over $800 on coins last night
wait can you just look around please? that was my favorite bra and i've already asked like 3 other guys
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
beyond obliterated. i recall legitimately trying to use a ballpoint pen as eyeliner.
you sat in the middle of your kitchen floor feeding your dog blueberries one by one
VODKAVODKAVODKAYESSSS
omg just made cake vodka jello shots, sooooo excited
dear god these taste like death. death and sprinkles
I'm getting turned down for sex. Apparently my "sexual appetite" cannot be satiated even by a man who's such a deviant he went to prison for jerking off in his car.
If I get to the point of singing Man of Constant Sorrow then please god let me do it, record it, then cut me off.
Apparently there was a black out and the security alarms went off except I was convinced it was the microwaves and made ben unplug them all then got really frustrated cos he wasnt doing it right
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
You know it's a bad cold when sneezing feels better than orgasming...
Let's say we can see the evolution of our "relation" by his name in my phone. Pizza slice emoticone. Pizza guy. Jordan. Jo. Jackhammer Pizza Guy. Jockhammer pizza guy.
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
Some sorority went “Dick or Treating” at a frat house and now the Halloween parties are canceled
Randomize
