and thats how i got kicked in the balls by micky mouse
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
My number went up to seventeen today. I forgot to add my random hookup on a sailboat.
I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
At least I can pee in a cup like a champ at this point
so hungover. i just puked at the sight of the beer emoticon you sent me.
i just googled coccaine effects on sexual performance..maybe im dating the wrong guy
Yeah ok. We can maid of honor each other since you don't like my boobs enough to lesbian marry me
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
I dunno. The drunker I get, the easier econ gets. I may be onto something here.
dollar rum and cokes, see you on the dark side of infinity
What color nail polish screams, "Either fuck me or get the hell out of my way"?
Just sent a nude with the caption "seasons greetings from our family to yours"
Randomize
