Fuck Jersey, the house im in is so baller but this state just cannot win.
so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
a drug dealer just gave me his business card. it had his face on it drinking a 40oz
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
My balls had bee stings let's just leave it at that.
We had phone sex and he came in his sink. i will never eat off one of his plates again
Hey can we break in your window? We need to borrow the dog.
Around noon tomorrow come looking for me. I'll be on Mill wearing whatever clothes I haven't lost yet. DO NOT REPLY. DO NOT ASK QUESTIONS. JUST DO IT.
You left the resturant and came back with a McDonalds burger in your pocket so ya...no more pregaming birthday dinners. Especially since it wasn't your birthday.
its weird that my cat bites every fat chick i bring home. i repeat every fat chick, qhT KINDA FRIEND ARE YOU
Nothing like banging your nurse in the shower while staying in the hospital
A man can only lie in bed watching COPS for so long before he wants to do things that can lead him to starring on the show.
I just got promised sex at a fire station tonight so basically all my porn star dreams are coming true.
I got all the way to work before I realized there were Trojans in my bra.
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
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