I thought smoking would make her look better, but all it did was enlighten me to her snaggletooth
Sounds like a blessing in disguise
I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
I'm trying to spell out I love you with a series of photos of my penis, but I just realized I can't do the Y of you
Sorry for trying to force you and Robert to make out. I didn't realize how awkward it was until I woke up today.
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
Did you know they have a bouncer at Applebee's because I did not
Everytime I try to keep track of the amount of people I slept with I always forget about that guy I met on the dc metro, where I woke up to him organizing his Special K and Molly and I was covered in sleeping cats.
I woke up in someone's flat in Budapest and then got offered a free piercing before I left. Best. Hookup. Ever.
the fact that you trapped hornets in a mailing tube to put in his mailbox does not surprise me sadly.
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
Saw a thong on the yellow lines of the street when I left this morning, are they yours by any chance?
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
Randomize
