I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
is it bad that i think of my life in terms of the sims? like when i'm hitting it off with someone, i really wish a plus sign would appear above my head. and when i throw up from drinking way too much, a minus sign.
We had two amazing nights in a row...it was so weird...I couldn't even go to sleep cause I thought maybe it was just in his plot to kill me.
i didn't know falling asleep in the tbell line could get you a dui. Isn't everyone there stoned or drunk?
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
I think, at this point, getting pissed and declaring my love via reality TV would be an improvement
It is becoming increasingly more likely that my entire halloween costume will be entirely composed of borrowed clothing from the two girls I'm hooking up
Why did I wake up with condoms on all my fingers?
Considering the girl you hooked up with, I'd be concerned about not having one on your penis.
Please tell me you aren't concussed from dancing on the stripper pole
Jesus Christ. If I were a normal sex-having person, I'd think I was knocked up. I'm cycling through emotions like I'm in a decathlon to crazy.
I almost put an adult beverage in my sippy cup for the beach but realized the next step would be rehab.
No the next step is being buzzed at the beach. I would've.
Haha sweet. I'm being the Mad Hatter. I'll be drinking out of a tea cup all night. Or at least until I inevitably lose it, break it, or use it as a weapon.
2013: the year of legs covered in hair and pregnancy scares.
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
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