I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
In hindsight maybe we should have moved his homework instead of playing quarters on top of it.
we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
Have you ever looked at the 750mL bottle of wine on the seat next to you knowing that it's just not going to be enough?
Each and every day.
talk of her extensive whoreness has crossed oceans. thats impressive.
Yes perhaps we are both wrong. And did you call me bj girl?
No dude trust me, just go a strip club at their busiest hours and pick the ugliest chick. Guaranteed she blows you for under 20$, the record stands at $7.67 and a pen from Bank of America,
I pissed myself at the bar so I threw away my wet underwear and kept partying... you act you've never done that before
He insisted he brought his alarm clock everywhere, and then the girl screamed "fuck French people!"
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
I left your tip in your mailbox. Last night was amazing.
Most girls get hit on with a $7.00 drink. You get hit on with a $750K plane.
I feel like him using the excuse "I'm not a fan of lying" to stop me from sleeping around is hypocritical since he's cheating on his wife with me.
you're now officially the 3000 mile booty call. congrats.
I can appreciate that you picked up the hot drummer, but don’t have sex in front of my house lmao
Randomize
