I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
I'm in new territory... I've never had to convince a guy to let me give him head as an apology.
It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others..
and being hungover still at 4 in the afternoon is NOT "having allergies"
Sorry for screaming that you were an apple in spanish at the bar last night, that was the wine talking
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
YOUR BALLS CAME OUT. DONT CALL ME A SHITSHOW.
Alive.
So much puke
My mom just covered me while I peed in the street. I love her. i also love parents weekend.
It all started because he put my damn phone in his pants. By his crotch nonetheless.
they asked me about my neuroscience major and I said 'the brain is the outer space of the body' and passed out. it appears my ivy league education is not going to waste
Below this exterior of ice is a layer of cum. Followed by a pool of gin. More cum. Then, finally a heart.
extra points if i make kids and or the elderly cry
do you know of a way I can die but like NOT die? like not being unconcious, just ascending to an astral plane for a few weeks or months in real world time so i can sort my issues out away from the rigors of life kinda deal, you know?
My vagina just clenched in fear
Randomize
