Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
Soooo my gf got the droid and doesn't have BBM anymore, I think its over for her
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
And my nipple is sore from him biting it. That is not a complaint.
Whatever I'm getting wasted, my costume's bomb, and there's a good chance I'm getting laid. Not letting stupidity ruin my night!
I just walked out topless, stared his brother straight in the eye, and ate all the rest of their cookie dough.
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
Sex in the backyard? Check.
So the vodka/tequila mix went down fine but the burp made me cry
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