Define "chronic" masturbator.
it was like playing where's waldo with your underwear
So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
You would think that someone would have been sober enough to object to vodka bong races.
You actually went to class. Im eating dry cereal naked and watching bring it on.
Yeah. I realized I have a weakness for drugs and I need to move somewhere where I don't know how to find them.
I forgot how wholesome of a place a park is when youre not drinking there.
And we won't even have to pay the tab if we die AT the bar. So..win win.
I didn't know he had a girlfriend until after we had sex when he said, "Man I really gotta stop cheating on my girlfriend."
If it makes you feel any better about life I'm wearing yoga pants with granny panties and toms with socks cause fuck my life
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.
Well I'm missing half a toenail if that's any indication of my night
Would you think less of me if I said I was eating a toaster strudel in the bath.
Randomize
