Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
Just dunked an oreo in a white russian. Trying to think of a better experience in my life and failing.
How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
I dont know, but the way you were flopping around and gurgling made me scared that you were actually drowning in the carpet.
If the Cards come back I will fly to St Louis and shit in a very public place.
Just passed the animal clinic parking lot I had to pull over to puke in during welcome week. I can almost hear the dogs barking at my shame again.
Just please don't close your legs while I'm down there again. I don't want my death to be labeled as "Head crushed while giving an individual cunnilingus".
Never in my life have I seen a grown ass man get on all fours and attempt to buttfuck himself with the leg of a chair. I love Vegas!
Got lost on the way to my dealer again. He stayed on the phone with me untill i found him and then hooked it up because I got lost.. What a genuine person.
Made it to the top o the stairs ALIVE YES FUCJ YOU GRAVITY
So then edible panties?
Jesus no he likes candy too much, I'd lose a lip
His dog hid my thong. Let me tell you, the last thing you want during a commando mini skirt walk of shame is lots of wind. There’s a church congregation that knows all my business
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
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