I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
When are you freeeeeeeeee?
My phone auto corrected that to freeeeeeeeeedoooooooooom. That's kinda awesome.
he sent me a naked picture of himself. things got awkward really quickly. but on a positive note he shaved his chest
He told me the hand job I gave him this morning was "lovely".
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
I couldn't sleep so I drunk ellipticaled for an hour. Worst. Idea. Ever.
Got a stripper to howl at my wolf shirt.
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
Was I holding a cat when you saw me? Because that was the height of that party for me.
Its the least I can do really, I mean, I did sleep with her husband...
You could become Eskimo brothers with my dad. How can you pass that up? You pussy.
Here is your half hour reminder. Meet you at emergency room.
He wants to make me arch my back "like I'm having an exorcism". Not sure if I'm turned on or freaked out.
Red Alert: She has 3 cats, a parrot, and 2 rats. Initiate Protocol Zero and rendezvous at Checkpoint Bravo for debriefing
I'll just bring the big suitcase this trip so I don't have to play wine bottle tetris again.
Randomize
