god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
everytime i listen to a chris brown song and like it i feel like i bad person
it was a sick party until you insisted on putting on "that's how I beat shaq"
Give me a heads up the next time you BBM me a voicenote of you cumming so I'll make sure not to play it while in the car with my parents. Miss you too.
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
just found glitter in my belly button...seriously when will this nightmare end
she's like the billy mays of hookups...touch my boobs and i'll throw in this blow job ABSOLUTELY FREE
Hes a nice guy and all but I'm only interested in his drunken alter ego.
Dont make this weird.... I was wondering if I could paper mache a few of your dildos this weekend?
In my defense, I haven't stolen anyone's clothes yet.
Yeah, that's a plus.
If the sex wasn't incredible why would I compare it to cheesy tots
I agree and I would be an awesome dog
My mom has a bong in her bathroom, but no air freshener.
YOU RAISED A SWORD OVER YOUR HEAD AND SCREAMED AT HIM WHAT THE FUCK ELSE DID YOU THINK WOULD HAPPEN?!
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
Randomize
