...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
Fell into a man hole last night. I've been bleeding since 11pm. Got kicked out of the bar for being bloody.
Explain to me how "cheap asian titties" is a complement?
Went to get my tattoo today. Found out the piercing girl is bi. I may just get my nipples done to get hit on tomorrow. Confidence is low these days.
apparently the last bar didn't like my halloween costume with syringes filled with whiskey
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
Well. No wine. And no real mixers. I'm using vodka and grape juice and calling it Slurrrlot. Happy Holidays bitch.
That's like.....u just dangled a sex carrot in front of me then took it away!
I just gargled with NyQuil
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
Magyver!
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
I wanna get to the point where I can just send a question mark and get an exclamation point in response
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