I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
If there was a creeper hall of fame you and me would be the first two inductees
i'd date him for the sole reason that he thanks me after giving him head
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
Theres just something about looking at pictures of your dick in church that doesn't feel right
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
I'm eating dry tortillas on a mattress without a sheet. and i thought my life would change after graduation.
I think I pulled my groin stumbling back from the bar. That or the hippo I woke up next to.
I look at sleeping with him as a way to get up in the world. He will lead me on to bigger and better penises.
just remembered spooning on the cardboard and confessing to each other we had the spins.
omg. MEgabus. stoned.
Theres these two guys talking.
He is just lying there. People are throwing money onto his chest as they walk by...
i don't know what happened one minute im stumbling home drunk and the next im drinking pabst and smoking with a french guy ive never met named hugo.
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
Randomize
