fuck the hobbit
what about unicorns?
fuck those pointy horses
i'm forgoing the post-coitus cuddling sesh to ask u this :when he says he loves me and all i can think to say is either "cool" or "i love boning you," what do i do?
it was a weeks worth of wine for $20. it would have been fiscally irresponsible to not buy it.
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
We found him pissing on the sidewalk in his socks signing the national anthem. I love you summer.
i dont understand blimps. what would happen if they collided would they just bounce off or fall to the ground.
dude how high are you right now?
do you think jeeves would know? you do it. ask jeeves.
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
I've come to realize sober is a rare time of the day.
Honestly the war on drugs is dumb and you can just sleep in my bed which is mega comfortable anytime you want. There I said it
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
Is everyone touching their nose at me a sign that I should stop snorting vicodin off my phone in the bathroom at school?
I am drunk please bring Taco Bell and sex
Never mind I found pizza just bring sex
They are the perfect team. One always has weed, the other always has cigarettes. They're like the Batman and Robin of drugs
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
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