you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
note to self... there IS such a thing as having too many birthday shots...
i lost virginity while listening to candy shop. something in my life has finally gone right.
the weed was in a baggy that had little penguins on it. i am so excited you have no idea
I'm going to make him fall in love with me one blow job at a time.
Or maybe my penis is just the key to their locked boxes of crazy, and I unleash their wrath upon all of mankind just so I can get my nut off
Late night whataburger runs are great, except if you're the one that gets left black out drunk puking in the backyard drinking from the water hose
Drinking vodka straight from my water bottle because of the debate. I just need to forget.
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
New low. I just threw up in the shower at 4pm. Nothing like leaving behind my 20s with class.
Stop confusing me with every girl you know that doesn't like sex.
I just need a fucking pair of pants. Is that too much to ask for?
You and I both know it takes more than prescription narcotics to keep our family down. See you around ten, brother.
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