nut hugger
I think I might be in your shoes. Except they are actually my shoes. Either way these shoes are wasted.
I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
you came downstairs saying you were now 'dressed to impress'
what was i wearing?
nothing
Woke up with pink eye in both my eyes. That's how the threesome went
My favorite part was walking in the bathroom, you fixing yourself in the mirror, calling your reflection a fag, then throwing a haymaker into the paper towel dispenser before going back out to the bar.
I had to hold off a girl who was trying to check your pulse while you were passed out. She kept screaming that she was a nursing major and needed to make sure you were alive.
you want a dog just so you can strap a barrel of hot chocolate around its neck?
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
Don't blame me. I told you I didn't know if I had a key to those hancuffs.
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
I know it was a good night because I got a lecture from my roommates mom about stranger danger
Pornhub is actually a very wholesome website
i like coming up with different names when i reference that night. 'the night i got kicked out of the bar', 'the night i escaped from the hospital', 'the night we had that threeway'...
This pandemic, it’s making everyone horny. I’ve got dick stashed all over town
Randomize
