Are u religion class? I'm on my way, I have cum in my hair. tell u later.
they could make at least 3 episode of "i shouldn't be alive" out of my weekend
I had to write an apology letter to security guards in the hotel so I didnt get kicked out
it was not a walk of shame, it was a ferry ride of shame, and i'm not ashamed, so technically it was just an early morning ferry ride. wearing yesterday's clothing
and semen
Turns out, his fucking is as lame and staggered as his NFL career.
my mom just said "if you had sex with someone you don't really like I'm going to be so mad at you" HOW DOES EVERYBODY KNOW
There was a slutty maid costume on the floor when I woke up, but the house was trashed. Either she's been fired or got promoted, I'm not sure which.
I am. I woke up on someone's front lawn dressed as max Payne also be proud.
last thing I remember is yelling 'sit on my face' through a traffic cone
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
I just called my grandma crying, apologizing for being the first grandchild to have premarital sex...I'm either about to start my period or pregnant.
when part of the plan includes getting high, i usually forget how the rest of the plan goes.
I know it's New Year's Eve but if you're going to have a bunch of chicks playing strip go fish in our apartment I need a heads up.
Puked up breakfast after doing my first minze shot in a while, but that shot was to Trump losing the election, so it's all good.
Randomize
