I would like to thank collapsed soviet republics and fathers who didnt show enough attention for tonight's festivities
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
he has cookie breath... dont trust fat people.
My lack of memory is directly related to being friends with you.
I wouldn't really call it 'getting lucky' considering I paid her to do it.
Did you just buzz the apartment and throw shit at the window? Josh and rob came into my room and woke me up
Fuck you Ian. U owe me $3.65 cuz thasts what I thfrew at ur window trying to wake ur ass up. And fuck u for not giving a shit
TAing a class of 300 froshies and being so hungover I forgot a bra is my way of making dreams come true.
I THREW AWAY MY VIBRATOR BECAUSE IT INTIMIDATED HIM. WORST. DECISION. EVER
He took the Gold in Olympic clit licking last night. Canada should be proud.
Was I at least a good cuddler? Like at least honorable mention?
Yeah I remember doing the worm in my moms room. While she's yelling at me and I'm making seagull nooises
I'm now using my vagina for good, not evil. Trying to restore balance to the force.
I said "one day" and that day is not today
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
Ugh. All the good hoes are in their third trimester.
Randomize
