Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
I really think my ability to vom without making noise mmight be my most useful talent
I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
you know that annoying kid in my psych class? accidentally hit him in the face with a door today. perfect end to the semester.
plan d- we get drunk, go see that Justin Bieber movie and freak out 13 year old girls.
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
Let me shower first- i smell like sex and rock climbing (not so sure how that happened)
Peed in a sink tonight. That drunk. I'm not proud of myself for what I did. But to carry it out with such class. I should be awarded
You tried to sit down... There was a distinct lack of couch.
Today is going to be a great day. He just brought me a donut on his dick... It's Sticky Dick Donut Day!!!
You grabbed my shirt and said, "hope you're not attached" and ripped it off before I could answer you.
Well, personally I like to keep my blackmail in well organised folders.
A+ Viking dick
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
I miss you.
Yeah, I don't want to have sex.
Randomize
