I should have bought two bottles, she left before I could feel her tits...
he just fed my chickens on farmville...i guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex<3
my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?
I'm watching people hook up tonight who, when they wake up tomorrow, are going to wish they were blind.
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
She sucked my dick and I swear I almost had to send a search party into her mouth to find it. IT WAS THAT AMAZING.
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
You brought string cheese to the strip club
True strength comes from lack of pants
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
I went to watch porn and there's already 3 Santa videos. Happy November 1st.
You know, I'm starting to enjoy brazilians. One day I'm going to make a therapist very very happy.
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