At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
I can't get a boner in the bathroom of a buffet.
She hadn't heard about the oil spill. She gave dumb blondes a whole new standard to aim for. I did her anyway...but that isn't the point.
this kid is using one arm to help his buddy with a keg stand, and the other arm to hold up the chick he's making out with.
He burnt a smiley face into the screen with a cigarette, peed in my tub and then tried to take off his pants. tried...
Bon Iver should never be played when you just ate shrooms.
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
i gave up on the vacation being fun the night i ate all the marshamallows out of the lucky charms while everyone else was having sex in the condo
So I've been spending my morning trying to figure out if there's a corealation between Wednesday margarita night and the boat that's now in my living room.
I've literally exhausted all the videos on pornhub. It took like 4 years, but I've done it. I did that quicker than I finished college
Buying drug test kits off amazon. And qualifying for amazonSmile donation to a kids hospital feels wrong and funny at the same time xD
If I shall die, I wish to bequeath to you my personal library, my sigma tau delta presidency and all it's apparel, and a puppy.
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
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