He looks like a mix between a retired piano teacher and a cat that just swallowed a sock.
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
Is she bent over a couch yet or did daylight savings time throw off her usual schedule?
He turned me down because he was still doing his taxes.
Whenever there is a ShotSki involved, I have no excuse but to drink, right? It's like a rule.
Remind me never to take that much Vicodin ever again. I laid in bed measuring my heart rate for an hour and a half because I was afraid it would stop.
He tells me he loves me and I say I just want him for sex, then he looks at me like I just said I hate puppies. What kind of guy is he?
Tip of the day: Don't ever send a bootycxall at 3 in aftnoon. No one will respond n u'll just feel fooolish.
we're the same shoe size and he owns more pairs of heels than i do. this could be the beginning of a beautiful friendship
i feel sensations at the ends of my beard. Either I am super high. Or my face has accepted my beard and I completed my transformation to Mecca
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
I think vodka/water/skittles totally beats your crystal light mimosas
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
I hooked up with a sophomore, passed out at midnight, and apparently drunkenly peed on Nicole's wedding invitation
I just walked in on Joel doing a buck naked tripod headstand in front of the mirror so he could see the bug bite on his balls
Randomize
