I'm towing my little brother down the road on a sixty year old tractor, we're taking up the whole highway, and no one cares. I love South Dakota.
Soo I have a handle of 100 proof captain, cupcakes, and nothing to get up for in the morning.. This blizzard is shaping up to be a great night.
why didn't you say something constructive like "stop chugging that vodka"?
If I threw up, how do I still have the same piece of gum in my mouth from the beginning of the night?
His penis is literally smaller than my cell phone. I can't go out like that.
you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times
He bought me a oreo ice cream cake with "thanks for not calling the cops!" written in icing. If that doesn't sum up winter break, I don't know what does.
That girl is nothing but trouble. She's 40% red hair and 60% daddy issues.
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
I woke up with his condom in my mouth. I actually use them now you should be proud of me.
He asked me how france is treating me
Tell him you got so much dick you may never come back to the US. That ought to keep him away
He a gives rim jobs, because, of course a guy who opens doors and makes reservations would lick your anus..like a gentleman.
I feel like a grown up and it scares me so I'm hiding out in the bathroom stall and messaging you
Got baked and laid and ate baked lays when I laid down while baking the brownies I I’m Superman
You’re still high, aren’t you?
Oh yeah
Want to go to Victoria’s Secret? His fiancée is out of town and I’m going to try and stop the wedding with lingerie and lots adventurous sex
Absolutely! I love a good sexual filibuster!
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