Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
He saved me in his phone as Easy Jen. Should I be offended?
I wouldn't worry about it. He has me as "Sex Puppet."
I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
you went around and groping mens pants to see "which was worthy" of you to go home with.
I started dry heaving in the middle of sex and she says "You moan funny."
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
She was into my hawaiian shirt and id never made out with a dinosaur... I feel like it worked out for everyone
He just said his penis sings like Mariah Carey...Im going with drunken.
Less than a month to graduation and I'm still blacking out on the reg tonguing down the closest breathing organism preferably with a penis but I'm flexible, and still havent figured out how to be functional on Fridays. WHY don't they teach us valuable shit at this institution!?
It's two in the afternoon, I'm on my third glass of wine and I'm watching Lambchop on youtube. How do you think I feel right now?
I fucked in the bathroom while everyone listened and banged my dick against a table shouting "order in the court"
You kept whispering to me that the guy making your burrito was an angel.
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
Randomize
