bitch so ugly she owes me an erection
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
do you realize that she was the awkward lesbian in high school and now bangs more girls than probably both of us combined?!
Yo I tried to get u stoned for ur dreams by blowing weed smoke in ur face while u slept. Ur welcome.
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
I don't care who it's from we're getting blown. It's a 3 day weekend anything can happen
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
She is the epitome of a puke & rally. She picked a random hott guy at the bar & made him pinky promise not to leave while she took a power nap. She went & passed out in her friends car & apparently puked just outside the bar. She stumbled in & found the randome guy again & claimed she was golden. Made it to the after party & stayed up til 6 doing body shots off every girl she saw & hooked up with the random from the bar. I love her life
So I've been thinking about this, and I've decided my bed is magic. Every time I change the sheets, a new boy is in my bed. I own the Sheets of Dreams-if I change them, they will come.
all i remember was her shitting herself and asking me to call her parents.....i so didn't. when i woke up she was gone and left a note saying "we will be lovers forever"
I woke up in confetti... confetti and shame
I made out with a guy who was dressed as Borat
And like a minute in, I was like oh fuck what am I doing
Did you run away?
I DANCED AWAY.
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
Had to claim I'd "gone lesbian" to get my cat back. Thank God I got away from that one.
Used my power pack to charge my vibrator so I didn't have to unplug my switch or my galaxy lamp. TECHNOLOGY!
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