when I'm not with you everything just looks like crayon scribble
You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
he said I could live with him because I'm cheaper than a dog and don't need a pet deposit. That and I don't piss on the carpet...
Some dude just came up to me and stroked my beard, smiled and left. Shave?
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
I hope I bought a crossbow. Also I need to not drink that much
I would say I'm the man in the relationship but I'm cuddled on the couch eating cake mix and water.
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
And if I don't get arrested for drinking and canoeing over the next 3 days, this hurricane will not have turned out anywhere near as well as I planned
my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
if a girl cums in a dorm room and no one hears it did it really happen?
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
Just don't let me get too drunk. At one point I pulled out my dick and pissed at that party. Like on the wall.
Dude just walked up to me, gave me his number and said, if this number ever calls its my penis,better keep that one handy. I cant lie its the best pick up line ever, im calling his penis.
Hey.. Lock your door. There's a drunk girl walking around in here. She just came in my room and peed on my chair.
Randomize
